Just a Challenge '09

My life will never be the same (good and bad) because of our challenge from this past year. I say "our" because this has most definitely been a challenge for Matthew and I. I can't even use my own words yet to express what I really feel and have included a letter Matthew sent out to clients and friends to explain what happened. Maybe time and a good dose of therapy will help me share my own feelings but for now, Matthew said exactly what needed to be said.

"Hello to all, I hope you are well.

There is no easy way to relate this to you all, so I will just dive right in.

Last Thursday my little brother Jared went missing. After a search of the house, it was clear that he had left all of his personal effects and his car behind. The police filed a missing adult report and entered him into the system. On Tuesday night, he texted my other little brother to say that he was done with life and was eager to end it all. He had made an attempt on his life earlier this year, which added to the urgency as the minutes ticked by. We felt hopeful (yet not confident) that we would soon find him with a friend, but as the next day passed, it was becoming more clear that things were not right.

On Saturday, a team of State Troopers and local police searched the woods behind his house with a cadaver dog for 3.5 hours and found nothing. Later that night I was in his room, and found in his garbage pail two empty boxes and a receipt indicating that he had purchased 2 bottles of sleeping pills around 12 on Wednesday. His last cell call was later that afternoon, to check his voicemail.

And so the family hunkered down and began to realize that he had most likely made another attempt to take his own life. My sweet wife Elizabeth and I searched the railroad tracks near his house for a few hours on Sunday afternoon, but we found nothing. We returned home to our children, discouraged but not defeated. We were determined to find my brother and bring him in from the cold.

Monday morning Elizabeth and I drove to his home to search again. We said a quiet prayer, asking our Heavenly Father that he would help us to bring Jared home. We walked into the woods without a thought about where to go. We found him within 5 minutes, laying peacefully on a blanket. A great sense of grief combined with relief washed over me. Although I do admit to losing control of myself for a few minutes, we were glad to have found him so we could know of a surety where he was, and bring his body home to my parents. We said a quiet prayer and left the woods as the police arrived to take care of him for us.

My family is gathering to remember the happy times, and rejoice in the memory of the most loving yet troubled soul we know. To know Jared is to know laughter, smiles, and love. His problems, and his despairs, however, are just as intense as his joys and his smile, and he was unable to withstand their onslaught. Jared felt love from others, but he could not retain it. He felt as though it ran through his fingers like water. His great ambition in life was to be loved. He told me this almost every time we spoke, and he told it to me the last time I saw him just last week. He reminded me that I have everything he wanted in life; a loving relationship with my wife, and children that run to me with open arms when I come home at the end of the day.

Many of you have emailed or called to ask what you can do, and to express your sorrow and concern for my family. I appreciate every one of you and your love. I feel so blessed to know you. You can do two things for me, for my family, and most of all, for Jared;

1. Love one another. Families are forever, and we should make the most of what we have. Show love, give love, speak love. Hug the ones who matter, and let them know you care.

2. If you feel so inclined, make a donation in the name of Jared Alden Deane to Alcoholics Anonymous. One of Jared's most intense struggles was with alcohol, and he fought it with everything that he had within, but as many of you probably know, it is a hard war to win.

Again, I feel blessed to know all of you, and am thankful for your support, your love, and your lives. Live them like they matter, because they do.

Please feel free to pass this on to anyone you think may benefit from it. I may have missed people that shouldn't have been, but I am far from fully functional at this point, and I apologize.

With love and appreciation,
--
Matthew Deane"

I do want to end this post on as good a note as possible. A word that I have come to know well because of this challenge & experience, is HOPE. Because of this experience, I have come to know more fully that the Holy Ghost is truly a GIFT. I know that when we are done with this life on earth, it is not the end. Losing Jared is teaching me to look at, realize, and do what is truly important and I thank him for that.
"...all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good."

Gwen Bell Challenge '09