This past Friday night was a release for me. I was finally able to let go of my feelings and emotions about Jared. Sure I've cried and mourned but Friday night I finally let go. Since Jared's death, I have kept myself super busy and filled up my time with this and that and was worried so much about my husband and his feelings, I had not taken the time to figure out what I was really feeling. I was full of so much anger and guilt that it was starting to make me numb to emotions. It felt so good to let it all go and free myself to finally feel some peace. I learned that one will never have peace when anger and guilt are present. It will still be a long road of many feelings and trials but I know we'll be ok and get through this.
The picture above is my favorite of Jared and I. We were dropping him off for a singles cruise and he was so nervous and almost didn't want to go. I took him by the arm and we marched in there together. I told him to just be himself and have fun. I love Jared so much. I miss him more than I can express but I am happy for the time's we had. I am happy with the relationship we developed. I am happy that he trusted me. I am happy that he accepted me and loved me for who I am. The last time I saw Jared was about a month before his passing. It was late, the kids were in bed, and Matthew was working. I was watching TV and there was a knock at the door. I opened it and there stood Jared. He was looking a little worse for wear and all he said was, "I need a hug". I hugged him tightly a little longer than usual and then he left. I will forever keep that memory in my heart. I am so grateful that he knew he could come to me any time for a hug of comfort. I know I will see him again. I can't wait to see his smile and put my arms around him for a long awaited hug-it will be hard to let him go.
13 comments:
i can only imagine what you are experiencing and i am sure the release of letting go is hard but very necessary! i am glad that you have that last sweet, precious moment of giving him that needed hug! be strong!
Oh girl, it is hard. After 18 months I still have hard moments and days when I miss my brother so much it aches. I just saw his head stone for the first time a couple weeks ago when we were in Utah. It made it so real.
I'm so sorry for what your family is going through.
Hugs to you.
It says a lot that he came to you for a hug of comfort. You're a good sister, Liz. Here's to continued (and increasing) peace and healing.
On a lighter note, I recognized you on Saturday because of your cute hair! I've been looking for a good one & saw your haircut and admired it and then noticed it was calibosmom :). Great to see you for a quick second.
Sometimes when nothing else can comfort us it is the memories of times spent together and the knowledge that we will be together again that will get us through. Beautiful memories you shared. Thanks.
{Hugs to you!} What a great last memory you have of him! Hold on to it!
good girl. I love you.
wow, that's such a cool last-time-you-saw-him, really. Thanks for sharing. I'm glad you're feeling peace.
love you,
B
I know how hard it can be to release that anger and guilt. Way to go my friend! That last memory you shared together says it all. Hold on to that and just continue to let the rest go...here's a hug for you...SQUEEZE!
I am glad you were able to let go, as you said. I agree with Annie...it does say a lot about his trust for you that he came to you for a hug.
I will continue to pray for you.
I forgot to mention that I think that is a great picture of the two of you and wonderful that you were supporting him to get on the ship.
NOTHING WISE, JUST MY HEART. YOU KNOW YOU HAVE IT. I LOVE YOU SIS. ALWAYS.
What a great picture, a wonderful memory, and a seriously incredible last "moment" with him. You are so lucky to have that as your last time with him. It says a lot about you as a person as well as Jared as a trusting and loving bro-in-law. I'm so very happy you feel peace. That's good stuff girlfren'. I hope you continue to feel that. This post shows that you are a good, good woman, friend, wife and sister-in-law. Thank you for sharing.
Oh Liz. I'm sorry. Thank you for reminding me to hold my loved ones tight while I can.
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