Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Cheaters...
What possesses someone to cheat? What can possibly be going through their mind? Is it brave or is it cowardice? Are they miserable? Are they bored? Are they just so tired of their marriage that they just can't take it any longer? Or...are they really in love with new found person? Are they free from burden and oppression? I can't figure it out! Don't worry, this isn't about me or my spouse, just someone I know and I'm in a state of confusion. Do you remain friends with the cheater? Do you take sides? Do you break ties with all involved? Do you knock cheaters teeth in the next time you see them? What the hell? I'm totally pissed and I want to know how someone gets away with this crap?
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18 comments:
They don't get away with it. And I am pretty sure they will live a life of misery over it. :) That said, I think I would cut ties.. because I just don't think I could maintain a certain level of friendship respect over it. . . frustrating, maddening and confusing though. I agree.
I am so glad I am not the only person feeling this torn up about this. I have never understod why someone would do such a thing. It seems like the easy way out. I know from personal experience that it wreaks havoc on the family. It's the kids that really suffer.
i agree with both of your commenters! they don't get away with it and it will torture them in the long run. if there are kids involved, it makes me even more furious. the cheater is just plain selfish!!
i would have to cut ties, because you can't get caught in the middle of it all and how can you trust the cheater?
sorry you have to experience this, i would be furious over it!
I have dealt with this in my family too. I will never understand and even if they "get away" with it in this life, they absolutly will not in the next.
I am sorry you are dealing with this. I still get angry and it was 3 years ago it happened in my family. (Thankfully he is no longer a member of my family!!!)
All I can say is pray again and again and again. It is how my family has dealt with it. (Along with lots of name calling and screaming and crying and more name calling)\
PS glad it is not you or your hubby :)
Wow. I hope the cheater reads your blog!
I know that we have been counceled that we should forgive those who have trespassed....but I don't know if I would be able to forgive in this type of situation! I have seen the problems that come form just a standard divore never mind throwing cheating into the equation!
All around it is tough, but it is something that will always be in the back of the cheaters mind.
As for keeping the friendship, I don't know....I don't know if I would be able to look at the person the same again -- that is a bug lie to keep from everybody! I don't know if I would be able to trust the person again, but at the same time -- this is probly the time that they need their friends the most! I would say that if I did decide to remain in the friendship a serious discussion would need to be had about the situation and that I do not approve of the actions and that I cannot support the actions ever!
when i first started reading, i thought you meant people who cheat at like, monopoly or something.
guess not.
my two cents: it's not your place to judge, it's your place to forgive. you will never ever know all the details, nor is it your business to. (unless it's your husband). any other couple on earth, be it parents, friends, siblings... it's not your place to judge them or abandon them. that said, it's totally natural to feel the way you feel. but it then becomes your responsibility to forgive. the forgetting part is impossible... and that will determine whether or not you can continue the friendship. but just know that there are two sides to every story, and neither of them is any of your business. the atonement is for everyone.
and i just re-read that and it sounds a little harsh. you know i got mad love for u... right? :O)
This hits a little too home for me. My childhood was totally screwed up because my dad AND first step dad cheated on my mom. And if that wasn't enough my first marriage ended because I was cheated on. I unfortuately have some experience with this...
I know the previous comment is all about forgiveness. I agree to a certain point. Clearly we are taught by our Savior that we must forgive. But it takes ALOT of time to get to that place. I think you have every right to be pissed and these people that think they can be so selfish as to ruin lives because they can't keep it in their pants need to know that what they did is NOT okay and their ARE consequences. It's impossible to stay close with someone who clearly doesn't have the same level of integrity as you do and when they have devastated someone you love...well I say cut ties. Support the broken hearted. They need you more than the cheater right now. As time goes by you might find that you have come to a place of forgiveness. The Lord asks us to forgive, but forgiveness doesn't mean we have to be best friends with them.
In the meantime, be so grateful that you have a husband who will never do that to you. Oh and sorry about the never ending comment!
What goes around....comes around!
Ok, I would call and leave my $.02 worth but well your family is here and I don't want to cut in. With that said, here I go into some sort of....oh heck I can't think of the word so here I go.
Did the cheater tell you that he or she is cheating? if so here is my thought. This person obviously knows you and if the know you then they know probably where you might stand on an issue. This person, sounds to me, like my 3 year old who is testing her boundaries and looking for permission to either do the thing that is not okay or not do the thing that is not okay. I think that this friend is looking to hear what needs to be said. And frankly that is the best thing that you can do as a friend to this person, is to be honest and tell then like it is. Now, now I do not know the background, i.e. well the other spouse cheated on me first and I am getting revenge, OR they are in an abusive relationship. Regardless of the heartache in the background story or not the fact remains that this person is married and needs to resolve this as an adult. Speaking honestly but firmly with the heart leaves the door open for this person to make the decision, the ball is out of your court as far as the friendship...your remain faithful to what you believe and help the person in the correct choice. I hope this makes sense and I apologize for it getting too long. Call me if you want.
Nicole
Just to add, yes, we need to remember that Jesus Forgives, therefore we should forgive, but we also need to remember that only after the sinner repents. There is no wrong in you preserving yourself from these actions and from becoming in the middle. We all need judgement to protect ourselves, A certain amount of judgement (Discernment) is necessary. Be clear with this person that when they need help you are there for them, no strings attached (if that is how you feel about it) but as long as these actions continue it would be difficult to maintain the same level of friendship.
Nicole
I've known of cheaters, met a few, but thankfully, have not been up close and personal with it in my immediate family.
I don't think that its an issue of whether or not you should cut ties and not get involved or vice versa. The reality is this. You can choose to be supportive to those involved, but the bottom line is, knowing the cheater... well, I'd bet you've loss respect for them. If that's the case, then while you can still remain cordial, the friendship is pretty much over because I don't think you can have a good friendship if there is no respect.
Thanks everyone for your comments and wisdom. After much thought, I have decided a few things about this. First off, I realized that I don't need to forgive this person, because they did not offend me personally. I am hopeful that my friend will realize their mistake someday and I will be there when they fall should they want my help. In the meantime, I am putting my energy into helping the broken hearted-the spouse and especially the kids. Right now, that is where I think I need to be. I am sorry for all those who have been through this-from what I have seen, it only causes pain, suffering, and misery. I also believe in the Atonement, righteous judgement, and forgivenensss when forgiveness applies. Thanks again friends-its nice to have a place to vent and feel sympathy.
Oooooh, I dealt with so much of this during baseball life.
It made me physically sick.
I learned to not let it get to me. I had to.
I don't understand it either... it is the WORST.
Just be there for your friend. And try not to kick the cheater's butt... :)
I agree with Andrea, no judging unless it's your own. You do NEVER know what went on... unless you did it yourself.
Very tough situation. No idea what woiuld drive someone to it.
I kind of know what you mean because we were friends with a couple that divorced because he cheated. I tried to be supportive of both of them but, I ended up siding with the wife because she and I were close to begin with.
It is hard not to choose sides...I am sorry. In some way I understand.
Some say, don't judge, stay out of it, it doesn't affect you directly. I disagree....feel free to feel however the situation makes you feel. If that feeling is one of sickness then so be it. No one is obligated to invite chaos into their lives. If your friend's actions make you feel uneasy, that's not your fault. You're allowed to feel however you wish.
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